When I am lucky enough to meet with people before they marry or enter into another kind of committed relationship, I encourage them to think about ten topics, and to revisit those topics repeatedly in the course of the relationship. Here are those topics:
Love – Philosophers and poets have been trying to nail down the meaning of the word “love” for thousands of years. I have never met two people with exactly the same understanding of this slippery concept. What did that word mean in your family of origin? How did your parents express love? What do you believe about love? Must it be “unconditional?” Do you have the same beliefs about love you did as a child? As when you first started dating? How and why have those beliefs changed?
Honor – How do you “honor” your partner? What are the rules of your relationship? What are you promising one another? It may not be necessary to go into the level of detail of Dr. Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory (Seriously! Click on the video. It’s funny!), but it probably couldn’t hurt!
These discussions (plural – it will take a very long time to “cover” all of these topics, and it will not happen in one sitting) will typically address at least the following:
- Money – What are your beliefs about money? Is it how you measure your worth as a person? Is it just a tool? Something you don’t really think about? Do you obsess and worry about money? Do you avoid thinking about money? Is your checking account frequently overdrawn? Couples who are not attuned in their attitudes toward money might do well to maintain separate accounts.
- Division of Labor – Who does what in the relationship? This includes things like bill-paying, lawn care, cleaning, cooking and dealing with spiders, but also initiating conversations and sex. Frequently talking about this can help to avoid feelings of resentment.
- Children – Whether to have them. How many? Adoption? Parenting strategies. Do you believe in punishment? Allowances? Paying kids for doing chores? If you are older, what are your feelings about dealing with adult children?. If one of you is divorced, what are your beliefs about co-parenting?
- Beliefs – Religion. Politics. The role of friends and extended family in the relationship. Should people in committed relationships have friends outside of the relationship? How close? Are “platonic” (non-intimate) relationships even possible with the group(s) to which we might be sexually attracted? Do you come from different cultures or socioeconomic strata? How and where do you want to live?
- Sex – How much? How often? What kind? Initiated by whom? What is sex? Is “foreplay” sex? What is the purpose of sex? Making babies? Pleasure? How important is performance? What are your “turn-ons?” “Turnoffs?” Fantasies?
Cherish – What does it mean to cherish someone? According to Merriam-Webster, “cherish” means “to hold dear, feel or show affection for, to keep or cultivate with care and affection, or to entertain of harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely.” So, cherish involves the ways we feel or show affection, as well as the effort we put into cultivating our relationship. It also implies holding the partner in our mind “deeply and resolutely.” It is more than spending time together. In fact, it might be possible to spend too much time together! What is the difference between “cherish” and “obsession?” What do you think of the word “needy?” Is it OK to need attention or affirmation from one’s partner, or does that mean one is “weak?”
Friendship – One of the the bases of a successful relationship is friendship. A friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem, or a favored companion.” How do you define friendship? Are you “best friends” with your partner? Do you have a “best friend?” If not, why not? (That’ll give you a pretty good idea of how you define the concept). Do you trust your partner as much as you do your best friend? I don’t think 100% trust is necessary. For some, total trust may not even be possible!
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Respect – To respect is to “hold someone in high or special regard.” I find that couples can get through almost anything if they truly respect one another: infidelity; sickness; birth of a disabled child; deaths of a loved-one; addiction. The opposite of respect is “contempt.” Are you frequently critical of your partner? Do you think you are smarter or better than your partner? If so, you might be expressing contempt without even realizing it. This is corrosive, and has ended many relationships.
Negotiating and Renegotiating the Relationship
Everyone carries assumptions into every relationship. It is unavoidable. For example, a teen starting his first job might assume that it is OK to be late for work, based on his experiences in high school. His boss might be operating out of a different set of assumptions. The same is true for “marriage.” Depending on our past experiences, we might have dramatically different views of what a marriage is supposed to look and feel like. The truth is, no two marriages are exactly identical.
If we talk out our assumptions ahead of time, we might avoid misunderstandings that could end up getting us fired from a job or divorced!
One Final Note
It is a bad sign if you cannot get your partner to have these conversations. It might be good to consider couples counseling before “tying the knot.”