If you Google “grief,” you will likely find lots of articles on the five “stages” of grief. Ignore them! They are not useful. Kubbler-Ross’ stages are descriptive of how many people experience grief, but they don’t help us to actually DO what we need to do. I prefer to think in terms of four tasks we must complete to successfully mourn a major loss:
- Accept the reality of the loss. That’s not just accepting the fact of the loss, but the meaning or the irreversibility of the loss. Denying the loss might take the form of not allowing others to assume the roles the person filled in your life, or pretending that the loss is “no big deal.”
- Process the pain of grief. Mourning hurts. Lots of times, we numb ourselves to the pain, but that just delays the mourning process. Pain is part of loss. One way that sometimes happens is with medications, like antidepressants or anxiolytics. (or alcohol) I’ve had patients who experienced a loss in childhood and were almost immediately medicated, typically because the adults in their lives wanted to protect them; as a result, they ended up grieving the loss years or even decades later!
- Adjust to a world without what you have lost. All of these are tough, but this one can be exceptionally difficult because it feels disloyal to the person’s memory to “just go on without him.” This can take a long time and involves adjustments in the external world (identifying who will do the things he or she used to do for you), your internal world (changes in your sense of self), and spiritual (not necessarily religious, but your sense of the world). •
- Finally, we must find an enduring connection with what we have lost, while continuing with life. It comes down to figuring out who the person was to you. the role she or he played in your life, and the role they will play in your life going forward. I think of it as honoring the person’s memory by opening a space for them in your future.
I’m sorry if all of that sounded really text-bookish, but I have gone through it myself several times. The most significant time was when my own mother died. I didn’t have the language at the time to really understand what I was going through, but looking back, I know I had to do all four of these things. That’s part of why I know you can do it, too.
One last thing. One of the reasons I don’t like Kubbler-Ross’ stages is the last one: “Acceptance.” I also dislike the oft-used word “closure.” I doubt you will ever achieve “acceptance.” or “close the door” on your major losses. I think that is one of the reasons people have a hard time grieving: because they think that is what they are supposed to do; and they think there is one way to do it and a particular completion date. My mother is still part of my life, even though she died in the 80s. This may sound crazy, but I still ask her for advice from time to time. What’s really crazy is that she sometimes disagrees with or even scolds me! No, I’m not saying I believe in ghosts. I’m just saying that I now understand what people mean when they say that we achieve immortality in the memories of our loved ones. As long as I remember my mother, she lives on. Personally, I find that comforting.
Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. New York: Springer Publishing